A hook up? Huh? Hook up who? Oh YOU want a hook up? Now, why exactly should I give you a hook up? Who are you again? I mean, are we related? Uhhhh, no. Are you dating one of my relatives? Uhhhh, no again. Oh wait, we must have went to school together right? No? Not even an old school mate. Ok, ok, ok, then I must know you from an old job. Has to be that. We never worked together? Are you sure?
Ok, let me process this real quick......................
So you mean to tell me, that I should give you a hook up all because you have the balls to ask me for a hook up? You do realize I don't know you from a hole in the wall right???? Ok, just checking.
To hear you tell it, giving you the hook up is going to benefit ME. Really now? Oh please, continue.
Hmmm, well after carefully listening to you tell me how my cake being at YOUR party will get a lot of exposure and a whole lot of business will come. I really must say, "Nah, no hook up, just give me my money".
Tomorrow isn't promised so please kindly pay me today!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
I need that drug you on.....
This is going to be a short and sweet one. No fake story to give you a visual of what I'm talking about. I'm sure you don't need one.
Common sense is NOT common and pretty cakes AIN'T cheap! Simple mathematics. Multiplication actually. Math is not my strong suit but I can put some sticks together and add them up. I can also calculate how much money I should be getting for these fine ass cakes I make too! As with anything, you get what you pay for. You pay a crappy price, you get a crappy product.........Ask those people who buy their Coach bags from Canal St in NYC.
Ok ok ok, so I lied....I HAVE to give you an example. Here's a story of a customer, we'll call her, Jennifer Alison Cathy Katrina Adams-Stanley-Singer.
JJennifer Alison Cathy Katrina Adams-Stanley-Singer needs a cake....lets say for a wedding. Its a milestone event so everyone should be out to attend. Jennifer Alison Cathy Katrina Adams-Stanley-Singer(going forward we'll use her initials) states she needs a cake to feed about 200-250 (cha-ching!) She needs a pretty basic cake but a fancy filling, we'll say raspberries for this "fake" story. After further discussion budget comes up and J.A.C.K.A.S.S(what? those are her initials) states she was looking to spend about $200-$250. So here goes the finagling. J.A.C.K.A.S.S(stop looking at me like that...those are her initials!!!) order a smaller cake that is $200-$250 and get a "plain" sheet cake along with it. **Blank Stare**(go back to 1st post for description of "blank stare"). Now how in the hells shes adding I don't know. Of course J.A.C.K.A.S.S claims she will call back....hopefully she never does. Walmart Bakery can have her!
So moving back onto math, in the fourth grade we learned about "solving problems". This here was a problem and unless she had more money, we wouldn't be able to solve it!
Quick math: 200 X $1= $200. 250 X $1 = $250
Don't know where you're at but I don't know of any bakery in my imaginary Bakerville world where you can get a cake for $1 per slice. You can barely find a cupcake for that! The average slice is about $3.50-$6 per slice and this is not even a cake that is covered in that pretty looking stuff called "fondant". Tack on some more for those types of cakes.
So to make my long story that was supposed to be a short story, short........keep trying to find "that deal" and you're gonna find "that deal". As with any business you will find people that you can get quality from and you can find people you can just get something to look at from. And even then, its not much to look at.
Happy cake shopping....don't be a cheapskate! Or should I say "cheapsCake"!?!?! And make sure you are not under the influence of what ever the hell Jennifer Alison Cathy Katrina Adams-Stanley-Singer aka J.A.C.K.A.S.S was under!
Common sense is NOT common and pretty cakes AIN'T cheap! Simple mathematics. Multiplication actually. Math is not my strong suit but I can put some sticks together and add them up. I can also calculate how much money I should be getting for these fine ass cakes I make too! As with anything, you get what you pay for. You pay a crappy price, you get a crappy product.........Ask those people who buy their Coach bags from Canal St in NYC.
Ok ok ok, so I lied....I HAVE to give you an example. Here's a story of a customer, we'll call her, Jennifer Alison Cathy Katrina Adams-Stanley-Singer.
JJennifer Alison Cathy Katrina Adams-Stanley-Singer needs a cake....lets say for a wedding. Its a milestone event so everyone should be out to attend. Jennifer Alison Cathy Katrina Adams-Stanley-Singer(going forward we'll use her initials) states she needs a cake to feed about 200-250 (cha-ching!) She needs a pretty basic cake but a fancy filling, we'll say raspberries for this "fake" story. After further discussion budget comes up and J.A.C.K.A.S.S(what? those are her initials) states she was looking to spend about $200-$250. So here goes the finagling. J.A.C.K.A.S.S(stop looking at me like that...those are her initials!!!) order a smaller cake that is $200-$250 and get a "plain" sheet cake along with it. **Blank Stare**(go back to 1st post for description of "blank stare"). Now how in the hells shes adding I don't know. Of course J.A.C.K.A.S.S claims she will call back....hopefully she never does. Walmart Bakery can have her!
So moving back onto math, in the fourth grade we learned about "solving problems". This here was a problem and unless she had more money, we wouldn't be able to solve it!
Quick math: 200 X $1= $200. 250 X $1 = $250
Don't know where you're at but I don't know of any bakery in my imaginary Bakerville world where you can get a cake for $1 per slice. You can barely find a cupcake for that! The average slice is about $3.50-$6 per slice and this is not even a cake that is covered in that pretty looking stuff called "fondant". Tack on some more for those types of cakes.
So to make my long story that was supposed to be a short story, short........keep trying to find "that deal" and you're gonna find "that deal". As with any business you will find people that you can get quality from and you can find people you can just get something to look at from. And even then, its not much to look at.
Happy cake shopping....don't be a cheapskate! Or should I say "cheapsCake"!?!?! And make sure you are not under the influence of what ever the hell Jennifer Alison Cathy Katrina Adams-Stanley-Singer aka J.A.C.K.A.S.S was under!
Friday, April 22, 2011
Ask a stupid question..get a stupid answer!
From the mouth of a fellow Bitter Baker: Now....if you asked a pimp if his girls are good in bed, do you think he would say NO??? So why in the world would you fix your funky mouth to ask a baker if their cakes are good? Here's how the convo would go if you find THAT idiot who'd say "NO".
No Clue Customer(in her Sha-NayNay voice): Ummmm yeah, I seen a picture of your cake at Boomquishas party and it was fly! For real though! I need to get me a cake like that for my daughter Aquaguanas birthday party. But I'm sayin.....Your cakes look good and all of that, but are they good????
Idiot Baker Who'd Say NO: Eeehhh well, I haven't heard any complaints about the egg shells I dropped in the batter in a while, so thats a good thing. My chocolate cake tends to favor liver but who doesn't like liver? My yellow cake with pineapple filling. Man, when I think of my pineapple filling...okra comes to mind!
Ok ok ok, so thats a dramatic version of a made up conversation BUT being asked "do your cakes taste good" is a dramatic way of asking to get your car egged!
Bottom line: Foolio just have my money!!
No Clue Customer(in her Sha-NayNay voice): Ummmm yeah, I seen a picture of your cake at Boomquishas party and it was fly! For real though! I need to get me a cake like that for my daughter Aquaguanas birthday party. But I'm sayin.....Your cakes look good and all of that, but are they good????
Idiot Baker Who'd Say NO: Eeehhh well, I haven't heard any complaints about the egg shells I dropped in the batter in a while, so thats a good thing. My chocolate cake tends to favor liver but who doesn't like liver? My yellow cake with pineapple filling. Man, when I think of my pineapple filling...okra comes to mind!
Ok ok ok, so thats a dramatic version of a made up conversation BUT being asked "do your cakes taste good" is a dramatic way of asking to get your car egged!
Bottom line: Foolio just have my money!!
Monday, April 4, 2011
You want what?!?!?! For how much?!?!?
*Finishing off the last of the Hennessy*
I have to say first, if you want quality you must pay for quality. Now with that out of the way...lets get bitter!
I'm sure we've all heard of the saying "Champagne taste with beer pockets" right? This is a saying that will always be in existence. Listen, you can't go to Payless and find a pair of Prada shoes. The same way you can't go to the grocery store and find a specialty/couture/sculpted cake. Why go to a custom cake artist/decorator and expect to get a cake that is 4 tiers, spins, flashes and can deliver itself to you, oh and 50 cupcakes for the price of a cake from the grocery store????? So to sum it up real nice and sweet...."HELL NO YOU CAN'T GET THIS CAKE FOR $100!!"
I see I'm not the only one with a drinking problem. This is a bad one...I better call my sponsor.
I have to say first, if you want quality you must pay for quality. Now with that out of the way...lets get bitter!
I'm sure we've all heard of the saying "Champagne taste with beer pockets" right? This is a saying that will always be in existence. Listen, you can't go to Payless and find a pair of Prada shoes. The same way you can't go to the grocery store and find a specialty/couture/sculpted cake. Why go to a custom cake artist/decorator and expect to get a cake that is 4 tiers, spins, flashes and can deliver itself to you, oh and 50 cupcakes for the price of a cake from the grocery store????? So to sum it up real nice and sweet...."HELL NO YOU CAN'T GET THIS CAKE FOR $100!!"
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Get The TEXT Outta Here!!
Why would your initial contact to someone for a cake be via TEXT MESSAGE?!??! Why would you ASSume that it's a cell phone. I say ASSume because theres no missed phone call so you didn't call first. I wonder if I can text a pizza shop to make an order.
Lets see how that would work:
My Text.....Hi, I'd like a pepperoni pizza and an order of 10 garlic knots, a 2 liter soda preferably Pepsi. I need this for tomorrow OKAY? Thanks!
Pizzerias Response: NONE!! Cause I can't text them!
Alright, maybe it is a cell phone, who's to say theres a text package on there? Maybe there's something wrong and the person can't get texts. Why would you in turn CALL asking "Hey, did you get my text last week?(true story) Ooohhh and lets not forget about the ones, who continuously send text messages and NEVER receive a response! Don't you think you should check in? Backwards? Quite possibly. Am I judging? Most definitely!
Look at it this way, 9x's out of 10 even if you have your bosses cell phone number, you wouldn't TEXT him to say "Hey, I'm going to be late" or "Hey, I have a hangover and can't come in". You're going to call and speak with someone or at least leave a voicemail. That's proper business procedure.
Ordering a cake is a business transaction and should be thought of in that way.
DONE....(grab your cell phone smash it up against the wall!)
Lets see how that would work:
My Text.....Hi, I'd like a pepperoni pizza and an order of 10 garlic knots, a 2 liter soda preferably Pepsi. I need this for tomorrow OKAY? Thanks!
Pizzerias Response: NONE!! Cause I can't text them!
Alright, maybe it is a cell phone, who's to say theres a text package on there? Maybe there's something wrong and the person can't get texts. Why would you in turn CALL asking "Hey, did you get my text last week?(true story) Ooohhh and lets not forget about the ones, who continuously send text messages and NEVER receive a response! Don't you think you should check in? Backwards? Quite possibly. Am I judging? Most definitely!
Look at it this way, 9x's out of 10 even if you have your bosses cell phone number, you wouldn't TEXT him to say "Hey, I'm going to be late" or "Hey, I have a hangover and can't come in". You're going to call and speak with someone or at least leave a voicemail. That's proper business procedure.
Ordering a cake is a business transaction and should be thought of in that way.
DONE....(grab your cell phone smash it up against the wall!)
What in the world?!?!?
Yeah, thats a common question that we bitter bakers have when dealing with some customers. And thats actually cleaning it up a bit. A lot of times we just SOH(shake our heads). Others, have "the stare". Listen, if you're discussing your cake order and the baker begins to give you a blank stare, that means "shut up and just stop talking". At that point, you have either lost us or confused the hell out of us. It in no way means that WE are lacking in intelligence and can't follow you, most times its YOU and we're trying to tune you out! Yes! Really! When you encounter the blank stare that means we've pretty much stop listening to you and we have now went into a random thought mode: "Hmmm...I wonder if my old job will take me back" or "If I smash this cupcake in her face, is that assault?" "Can I claim temporary insanity?" Just because you have an idea in your head it doesn't mean it should always be vocalized. Don't listen to the little voices in your head, a lot of times they only make sense to YOU. "LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF THE PROFESSIONAL". Bottom line, if you've sat with someone and went back and forth on a design due to you "wanting to have it your way" for an hour or so and you're told "awww shucks, I'm sorry but I didn't realize I'm booked for that day".
You can only blame yourself for NOT SHUTTING UP. You have pushed the Bitter Baker to the point of saying :"WHAT IN THE WORLD..........!?!?!? (Drop rolling pin, exit stage left)
You can only blame yourself for NOT SHUTTING UP. You have pushed the Bitter Baker to the point of saying :"WHAT IN THE WORLD..........!?!?!? (Drop rolling pin, exit stage left)
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